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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Half the people you know are below average.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Is there another word for synonym?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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