Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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