Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Profanity sucks.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it?

Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids?

Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick?

Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese!

What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese!

What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite!

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck!

Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him!

The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef!

The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka!

The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag!

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog its memory?

The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint your and 'taint mine.

Is making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a pool?

if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does one enjoy it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

if a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the inability to reach it.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

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What they’re saying…

“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”

Gene Martignetti

Owner/Founder, MariaMaria Music/Beauty, SoBe Beauty Services

“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”

Steven Heller

President, The Brand Liaison

“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.

We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”

Kevin Zvargulis

Vice President, Arixa Capital Advisors

“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.

His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.

I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”

Greyson Prinzing

General Manager, Riot Creative Imaging/ARC Document Services

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