Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Half the people you know are below average.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have just run out of film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?
If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it is hot?
Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
How come we choose from 2 people for President but 50 for Miss America?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call?
Do illiterate people fully appreciate alphabet soup?
Who was the first person who looked at a cow and said "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out!"
Who was the first person who watched something come out of a chicken's rear and thought "let's try earing that!"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
The best thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket
Don't change horses.... until they stop running...
Strike while the.... bug is close...
Don't bite the hand that.... looks dirty...
A miss is as good as a.... Mr...
You can't teach an old dog new... math...
If you lie down with dogs, ... you will stink in the morning...
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
One should never generalize.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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