A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
The same mustard as before - Dijon vu.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Without geometry, is there any point?
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Illiterate? Write for help.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Ax me about Ebonics.
Grow your own dope - plant a man!
Politicians and diapers both need to be changed... and for the same reason!
Elephant Circumcisor Wanted: Pay is not great but tips are huge!
Egotist: someone who has taken too much Vitamin I...
Accountants keep us in check!
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are girl scout cookies made of?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?
If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it is hot?
Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Marriage: the only way you get to sleep with the enemy
Australian kiss: same as a French kiss but just down under
Do Ministers do more than lay people?
Transvestite: A guy who like to eat, drink and be Mary
My mother's idea of a Super Bowl: a toilet that cleans itself
If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road
Can you cry under water?
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Avoid alliteration. Always.
I used to be a banker, but then... I lost interest.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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