Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
We'll never run out of math teachers as they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in L.A., UCLA.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
The blonde was worried the mechanic would rip her off but was relieved to hear her car only needed turn signal fluid!
Intense: where campers sleep
Kinship: your brother's boat
Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
Minimum: a very small mother
Misty: how golfers create divots
Nitrate: cheapest price for calling long distance
Praise: letting off esteem
Relief: what trees do in the spring
Skier: a person who jumps to contusions
Sudafed: litigation brought against a government official
Unabated: a fish hook without the worm
Iraq, you break
Beards: they grow on you
Missouri loves company
Camping is in tents
Sex - do it for the kids
Prague - Czech it out
South Korea's got Seoul
Irish I were drunk
Denmark's the spot
Without me, it's just aweso
Earthquakes - not my fault
Epilepsy - seize the day
Laundromat sign: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
London Department Store sign: Bargain Basement Upstairs
Hardware store sign: Will the person who took the step ladder please return it or further steps will be taken
Farm sign: farmer allows people to cross the field for free but the bull charges
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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