If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are girl scout cookies made of?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Definition of a will? - a dead giveaway
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A "fsh".
Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?
If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it is hot?
Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Skinheads have more hair than brains.
Vampires are a pain in the neck.
Nutrition makes me sick.
Nuclear waste fades your genes.
If you nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside-down.
Early birds get worms.
Nothing succeeds like a parrot.
Teachers do it with class.
Divers do it down under.
When I was born, I was given a choice: large penis or good memory. I don't remember which I chose!
Birth certificate: apology letter from the condom factory
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects
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What they’re saying…
“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
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