I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Definition of a will? - a dead giveaway

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?'

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Rehab is for quitters!

The proctologist called...they found your head

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Illiterate? Write for help.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Ax me about Ebonics.

Grow your own dope - plant a man!

Politicians and diapers both need to be changed... and for the same reason!

Elephant Circumcisor Wanted: Pay is not great but tips are huge!

Egotist: someone who has taken too much Vitamin I...

Accountants keep us in check!

He was so lactose intolerant that, when having his picture taken, he could not say "Cheese"!

Can we cry underwater?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in..." but it's only a "penny for your thoughts...". Where's that extra penny going?

Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing those clothes your were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Why is one "IN" a movie but "ON" TV?

Why do people pay to go up to the top of really tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Why is "bra" singular while "panties" are plural?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

How come when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in your car, he stick's his head out the window.

Smile! It will improve your face value!

Sign over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

Sign in a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on a septic tank truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

Sign on a plumber's truck: We're #1 in the #2 business.

Sign at a proctologist's office: To expedite your visit, please back in.

Sign on a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

Sign on a plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip, call me.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

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What they’re saying…

“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”

Gene Martignetti

Owner/Founder, MariaMaria Music/Beauty, SoBe Beauty Services

“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”

Steven Heller

President, The Brand Liaison

“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.

We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”

Kevin Zvargulis

Vice President, Arixa Capital Advisors

“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.

His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.

I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”

Greyson Prinzing

General Manager, Riot Creative Imaging/ARC Document Services

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