Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it?
Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids?
Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick?
Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese!
What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese!
What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite!
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck!
Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him!
The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef!
The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka!
The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag!
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Rehab is for quitters!
The proctologist called...they found your head
Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Illiterate? Write for help.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Ax me about Ebonics.
Grow your own dope - plant a man!
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.” Greyson Prinzing