Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Sign over a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
Sign on a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Sign on a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign at the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign at a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
Sign over a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it is hot?
Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Skinheads have more hair than brains.
Vampires are a pain in the neck.
Nutrition makes me sick.
Nuclear waste fades your genes.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then... I lost interest.
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
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“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
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