What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Sign over a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
Sign on a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Sign on a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it?
Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids?
Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick?
Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese!
What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese!
What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite!
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck!
Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him!
The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef!
The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka!
The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag!
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
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“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
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