What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
The same mustard as before - Dijon vu.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Without geometry, is there any point?
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in school, do they take debate?
The thief who stole a calendar... got 12 months.
The thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement is now a hardened criminal.
The thief who stole corn will be charged for stalking.
Virginity can be cured!
If you lie down with dogs, ... you will stink in the morning...
The pen is mightier than the... pen...
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution...
A penny saved is... not much...
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed...
There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder...
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose...
Better late than... pregnant...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, And drink whatever comes out?"
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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