Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How do angels get their gowns on over those wings?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the pan
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have just run out of film.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign at the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign at a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
Sign over a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
The same mustard as before - Dijon vu.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Without geometry, is there any point?
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Impotence: nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"!!
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Definition of a will? - a dead giveaway
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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