Select Page

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Is there another word for synonym?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Half the people you know are below average.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.