An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One should never generalize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who cannot get his pants off.
Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
She has kleptomania. When it gets bad, she takes something for it.
Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had? They are no longer on a first name basis.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
What's brown and sits on stool? Beethoven's last movement.
My family is so stupid - during the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west.
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
It is better to have loved a short man that never to have loved a tall.
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
People who discriminate based upon race are racists. People who discriminate based upon sex are sexists. Are people who discriminate against other who speak a foreign language called linguists?
If the afternoon dies, do we spend the rest of the day in mourning?
We'll never run out of math teachers as they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in L.A., UCLA.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog its memory?
The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint your and 'taint mine.
Is making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a pool?
if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does one enjoy it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
The call is PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys,... is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words... but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and Eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the inability to reach it.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
The pen is mightier than the... pen...
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution...
A penny saved is... not much...
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed...
There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder...
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose...
Better late than... pregnant...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.” Kevin Zvargulis
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