Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it?
Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids?
Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick?
Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese!
What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese!
What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite!
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck!
Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him!
The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef!
The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka!
The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag!
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Rehab is for quitters!
The proctologist called...they found your head
Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog its memory?
The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint your and 'taint mine.
Is making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a pool?
if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does one enjoy it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
if a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Why is the number 11 not called onety-one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, are electricians delighted? Are musicians denoted? Are cowboys deranged? Are models deposed? Are dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would it be called Fed Up?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on driver's licenses of bald men?
When I was a really small, my mother used little forks and spoons. Do Chinese mother's use toothpicks?
Why do they put photos of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write to them?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zig-zag?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution...
A penny saved is... not much...
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed...
There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder...
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose...
Better late than... pregnant...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
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What they’re saying…
“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
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