A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
Contractions aren't necessary.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Should a Mohel resign if he can't cut it anymore?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Do Elephants drink to just forget?
ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL - Someone who is fed up with people.
COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Sign on a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign at the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign at a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
Sign over a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had? They are no longer on a first name basis.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
A penny saved is... not much...
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed...
There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder...
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose...
Better late than... pregnant...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
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What they’re saying…
“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
We have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
“Eric opened my eyes a few years ago to the benefits of freelance graphic design. I was trying to hire a new designer after my staff designer resigned, and Eric gave me pause when he said he could help, but only as a freelancer.
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
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