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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Half the people you know are below average.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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