Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is there another word for synonym?
Half the people you know are below average.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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