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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Half the people you know are below average.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do people in China call their good plates?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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