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I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Half the people you know are below average.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What do people in China call their good plates?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

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