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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Is there another word for synonym?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Half the people you know are below average.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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