Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Half the people you know are below average.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
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