When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
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