If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
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