How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Is there another word for synonym?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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