Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Half the people you know are below average.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Is there another word for synonym?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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