When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Is there another word for synonym?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
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