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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Half the people you know are below average.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

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