Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is there another word for synonym?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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