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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Half the people you know are below average.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

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