Select Page

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.