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Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Is there another word for synonym?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Half the people you know are below average.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

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