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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Is there another word for synonym?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Half the people you know are below average.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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