Select Page

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

What do people in China call their good plates?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Half the people you know are below average.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Is there another word for synonym?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.