Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do people in China call their good plates?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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