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Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What do people in China call their good plates?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Is there another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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