Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
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