Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is there another word for synonym?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Half the people you know are below average.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
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