What do people in China call their good plates?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is there another word for synonym?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
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