I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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