Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is there another word for synonym?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.