Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is there another word for synonym?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Half the people you know are below average.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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