If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is there another word for synonym?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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