Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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