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Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Half the people you know are below average.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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