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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What do people in China call their good plates?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Half the people you know are below average.

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