Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is there another word for synonym?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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