Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do people in China call their good plates?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
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