How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is there another word for synonym?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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