The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Half the people you know are below average.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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