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He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Half the people you know are below average.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Is there another word for synonym?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

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