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A backwards poet writes inverse.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Is there another word for synonym?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Half the people you know are below average.

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