He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Half the people you know are below average.
Is there another word for synonym?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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