Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Half the people you know are below average.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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