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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Is there another word for synonym?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Half the people you know are below average.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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