Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Half the people you know are below average.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
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