Select Page

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Is there another word for synonym?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Half the people you know are below average.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.