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I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Half the people you know are below average.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

What do people in China call their good plates?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

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