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Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Half the people you know are below average.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is there another word for synonym?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

What do people in China call their good plates?

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