A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is there another word for synonym?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.