I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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