Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Half the people you know are below average.
Is there another word for synonym?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
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