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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What do people in China call their good plates?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Is there another word for synonym?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Half the people you know are below average.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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