A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Half the people you know are below average.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
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