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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What do people in China call their good plates?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Half the people you know are below average.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Is there another word for synonym?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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