Select Page

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

What do people in China call their good plates?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Is there another word for synonym?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.